My heart is bleeding
There’s a hole deep in my soul Is my imagination playing Tricks on me, trying to picture What could have been? He could not see, what I’ve seen A love between you And me these are just tales From a broken heart Turning hurt into art. He said he loved me Only for me to learn the truth, And words he tells from those he speaks with. How can he not see what he did to me? I loved him, And he played me like a game boy In an old studio. I have been left to dust To wither away in his mind While i lay here and cry in bed, Thinking how could i be So naive to fall for a boy like him after all the warning i didn't see. I just can’t stand the idea Of holding your hand, of seeing you, Of hearing you, of being near you. These are just thoughts that flood my head. I know this sounds a bit possessive A little obsessive maybe a tad aggressive, But I’m known for being raw and real. I don’t make believe how I feel, these are just tales From a broken heart From a boy who turns feelings Into art that should not be published. He lied and now I suffer to him. I'm just another bug caught in his web, A new trophy to his collection; he made me feel like a fool.
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I’m handed the keys
To the lock Without me asking Many people are trying to get the keys to this lock That makes me not Like this lock Thankfully, There are many locks in the world so i pass the keys along to the next person I would rather a combination lock any day Where only i know the code And share it with no one… The lock I longed for is loved and locked-down I understand that a lot of people around us are Christian or have their own religion and traditions and lifestyle. Why start chaos towards us queers? What have we ever done other than be happy and exist by our own will? Anyone being gay, trans etc is not a damn sin! It's a gift, a type of freedom to know who you are and explore what you want. What do we get for trying to be happy? Riots, fires, slurs. We have done nothing to anyone; why make attacks and calls us names such as cunts or faggots. But even so we stay calm and try not to cause so much trouble. If we made fun of all your gods and beliefs, you would get mad and offended; so how do you think we feel? Our parents are ashamed of us… you can't get rid of how we feel they send us to boarding schools or kick us out and disown us or at worst force you to go to church to pray it away asking ¨god¨ for forgiveness to fix us.. And you call yourselves saints?
We aren’t the sinners here you are… you're the monster.. We hide in our rooms in our minds in our own world where everything is perfect and right where we can do no wrong by just being ourselves. We are sick of running and hiding from the truth just to keep your lives perfect and happy. karma will soon come. May we and all those around us have mercy when it is our time to rise and speak out for those who can't. LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide)-- a synthetic psychedelic used for recreational purposes. Many cultures themselves take part in psychedelics to feel more connected to the Earth as a means of preserving their culture. Currently, the drug itself is considered illegal and even dangerous due to the “War on Drugs” after the experimentation with MK Ultra, classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug. Before the illegalization, the “hippie movement” in the 60s was a time of immense psychedelic usage. Yet the movement was a period of promoting peace and love due to the opposition to the VietNam War (1955-1975). However, the US government chose this moment to slander the movement and its purpose by tainting it with propaganda. In spite of this, research has been conducted surrounding the effects of LSD usage and if there can be potential health benefits. Counterculture’s “hippie movement” from the 1960s is typically ridiculed in the media, undermining the purpose of the lobby with stereotypes and mockery. Recreational drugs are intended for a multitude of outcomes, including education and relaxation being part of it. Once noted, it's not hard to imagine why the hippie movement was seen as a threat to the government, especially when it's being used by the most impressionable generation-- the youth. Researchers prior to the criminalization of LSD in 1968 were interested in the potential health effects and safety of the drug yet federal funding was cut indefinitely (DiPaolo). There is speculation that the US federal government intentionally outlawed acid due to ‘hippies’ speaking out against the war and spreading anti-war and anti-government ideas. Organizing protests and burning draft cards were prime examples of the actions taken to protest the war (exhibits). Counterculture’s music was essential in setting them apart from the vast majority, especially the 1967 Summer of Love and 1969’s Woodstock Music Festival events that hosted psychedelic rock musicians who spoke out against the war in their music (exhibits). Bands like The Beatles were notorious for being a part of the anti-war movement, writing songs such as “Revolution”: But when you talk about destruction Don’t you know that you can count me out You tell me it’s the institution Well, you know You better free your mind instead being key lyrics in displaying their opposition to the war efforts. The bright and elaborate colors of the tapestries should also be made aware of, the hypnotizing symbol of the mandalas most commonly used on these tapestries are meant to display the spirituality of the individual, allowing them to reach high consciousness. LSD increased these beliefs/awareness, allowing the mind to reach a place of contemplation and curiosity, the same curiosity that left these youths questioning the US federal government’s decision. The Deputy Director of the CIA revealed that over 30 universities and institutions were involved in an "extensive testing and experimentation" program which included covert drug tests on unwitting citizens "at all social levels, high and low, native Americans and foreign." Several of these tests involved the administration of LSD to "unwitting subjects in social situations”(95 MK-Ultra P6) MK Ultra was a notorious U.S. Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) project in which the agency conducted illegal human experimentation through brainwashing and psychological torture. Operation Paperclip (July 20, 1945-1959) was well underway prior to the commencement of MK Ultra, the access to German scientists and their research held a very influential role in the outcome of Mk Ultra. Allen Dulles who became the director of the CIA in 1953 (during the Cold War Era of 1947-1991)claimed during a speech he delivered to a gathering of Princeton alumni that the Soviets were using brainwashing tactics, hence why many American prisoners of war who were returning from Korea, were spouting Communist propaganda that they listened to for weeks on end (Nofil). Dulles states that these actions go against American ideals and morals, citing them as antithetical (Nofil). However, 3 days after the deliverance of this speech, Dulles approved the start of MK Ultra and its “mind control” experiments with scientist Sidney Gottlieb being at the forefront of the research, centered around modifying one's behavior through electro-shock therapy, hypnosis, polygraphs, radiation, and a variety of drugs, toxins, and chemicals (Nofils). LSD had been most useful for the CIA’s “brain warfare” project, an officer testifying “[This] was the one material that we had ever been able to locate that really had potential, fantastic possibilities if used wrongly” after the CIA received reports in the late 1940s that the Soviet Union tried purchasing the world’s supply of acid for their own LSD program (Nofils). Many of the test subjects in these experiments ranged from willing to volunteering hesitantly due to coercion to having no idea what they were being involved in. Prisoners were seen as perfect subjects due to giving consent in exchange for more extra time to do leisure activities or reducing sentencing (Nofils). Crime bosses such as Whitey Bulger volunteered willingly under false pretenses that the experiment was meant to find a cure for schizophrenia and was given the drug every day for a year. By the end of it, not only did Bulger realize he was tricked but felt as though he was slowly going insane (Gross). One of the most scandalous subprojects of MK Ultra was Operation Midnight Climax. To make it short and simple, Operation Midnight Climax was essentially a sex, drugs, and surveillance program where the CIA was testing whether the mixture of sex and acid would affect the men lured in by prostitutes to reveal information to the government (Kiger). George Hunter White was an agent who held oversight over this operation along with the CIA where they watched all this occur from the other side of a 2-way mirror. Most experiments for this specific operation took place in San Francisco, Marin County (California), and New York City with each being closely monitored. “Of course, I was a very minor missionary, actually a heretic, but I toiled wholeheartedly in the vineyards because it was fun, fun, fun. Where else could a red-blooded American boy lie, kill, cheat, steal, rape, and pillage with the sanction and blessing of the All-Highest?" - George White 1971 Operation Artichoke (previously known as Operation Bluebird) was another subproject to MK Ultra, the project focused on the use of hypnosis, forced morphine addiction, forced morphine addiction withdrawal, along with other drugs, chemicals, and techniques (OP Artichoke CIA Files P4). The purpose of Artichoke was solely to determine whether the CIA would be able to gain control over an individual’s body and mind through brainwashing to follow through with orders such as assassinations. Most documentation similar to the one right below all mention “H” or “SI”, especially for project Artichoke-- “H” is shorthand for hypnotic, hypnotized, or hypnotism, and “SI” is Subconscious Isolation (Bluebird memo). Bridging together every single one of these projects is LSD. The possibility of being able to achieve utmost authority over an individual (with or without consent) and build them up to one’s own liking seemed very hard for the federal government to pass over. However, it is very important to note that while the government found a way to violate a human being with acid, the majority of psychedelic users themselves don’t indulge in the idea of breaching another’s psyche for their own personal gain. As stated previously, the Soviet Union had tried purchasing the world’s supply of LSD, and yet the CIA allegedly made an attempt in purchasing the world’s supply: In the early 1950s, lead researcher Gottlieb arranged for the CIA to pay $240,000 to buy the world’s supply of acid. He brought it to the US where he was distributing it to hospitals, clinics, prisons, and other institutions to find out more about LSD and its effects. Hence why Gottlieb is seen as the godfather of the LSD counterculture (Gross) Due to Gottlieb’s actions, many people discovered how pleasurable the drug left them feeling, resulting in a domino effect. President Nixon's decision on the “War on Drugs” (1971) did cause Gottlieb to successfully destroy most (not all) of the documentation covering MK Ultra after the CIA’s director at the time, Richard Helms, was removed and was able to wipe away his traces in Operation MK Ultra. However, the “War on Drugs” was not a result of this horrific event in American history, much less to deliver justice to those exploited, its true intent was to illegalize LSD and put a stop to the Hippies counterculture movement and their beliefs. LSD is known for its ability to intertwine spiritual and mystical experiences with feelings of interconnection. In this context, LSD can be used for psychotherapy and possibly beyond that. Research was being conducted on the potential effects of acid, the primary focus for the treatment was to deal with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD), drug dependency, and reducing anxiety in terminally ill patients(ADF). This substance was researched from the 1950s through the early 1970s by psychiatrists, therapists, and researchers who administered LSD to thousands of patients as a treatment for not only alcoholism but as well for anxiety and depression in people with advanced-stage cancer(MAPS). There is no current research being conducted on LSD due to the drug being declared illegal in the 1960s yet people who have indulged in psychedelics and have overdosed (which is rare for LSD) have seen life-changing experiences. A 46-year-old woman is said to have had her foot pain that she has suffered since her 20s, reduced dramatically after taking a dosage of 550 times the normal dosage (Hunt). Another 15-year-old girl dealt with bipolar disorder for 3 years after being diagnosed at age 12, where she took a liquid form of LSD that was 10 times the normal dose, and claims she was cured of bipolar symptoms 13 years later when she gave birth and experienced postpartum depression (Hunts). A study was even done in 2015 where a study involving 130,000 adults in the United States failed to find a link between LSD and mental health problems. There seemed to have been no correlation between lifetime use of psychedelics and increased likelihood of past year psychological distress, mental health treatment, suicidal thoughts, suicidal plans, suicide attempts, depression, and anxiety (Johansen and Krebs). Nonetheless, it does not mean that LSD is the cure for all, even so, it is important to highlight the positive effects it did have on certain individuals. The father of LSD himself, Alfred Hofmann, synthesized the drug with the intent of finding a potential new medicine from the fungal compounds used in migraine medicine. While the substance may induce bad trips and unpleasant effects, any drug prescribed by a doctor may hold risks and effects of all and any kind. The drug was not created with the intention of conducting brainwashing experiments and most certainly was not created to violate an individual’s mind, body, and soul. If the drug helped induce a state of awareness, it should be handled with caution but not categorized as dangerous or deadly (since death from using LSD is incredibly rare). Overall, it seems highly cynical to outlaw a drug that could have had health benefits or was being used for recreational purposes during a time of protest because the government was exploiting the product for motives that could be classified as sinister. Sources:
Topic 1: Hippie Movement- wanted peace and love, (psychedelic rock), tapestries visualization, Vietnam War + government association(how to get rid of people against war/communism) the US buying whole world lsd supply, different uses LSD and The Hippies: A Focused Analysis of Criminalization and Persecution In The Sixties – PIT Journal Counterculture Movement · Civil Rights Digital History Project · exhibits. LSD: Insight or Insanity?, 1968 The Trip 1967 From cringeworthy to scary: a history of anti-drug PSAs - Marketplace Mandala tapestry meaning (4 steps study) The Beatles and the Anti-War Movement - 2380 Words | 123 Help Me The Beatles “Revolution” Lyrics Topic 2: MK Ultra - commies, Distribution C.I.A. CONSIDERED BIG LSD PURCHASE - The New York Times Rock ’n’ Roll Mind Control: The CIA and the 1960s Counterculture | by Robert Skvarla | Mondo Americana | Medium The CIA's Appalling Human Experiments With Mind Control | HISTORY Channel MK-Ultra Operation Midnight Climax: A CIA Sex, Drugs and Surveillance Program | HowStuffWorks (U) Project‘ MK-ULTRA PROJECT MKIULTRA, THE CIA'S PROGRAM OF RESEARCH IN BEHAVIORAL MODIFICATION JOINT HEARING Operation ARTICHOKE CIA Files CIA Special Research Project Bluebird 1952 | Public Intelligence Mind Control & Ritual Abuse - The Secrets of Mind Control The CIA's Secret Quest For Mind Control: Torture, LSD And A 'Poisoner In Chief' https://www.history.com/news/what-was-operation-paperclip Topic 3: Health benefits - talk about albert, some man did lsd everyday in the 50s A Trip into the Future | American Physiological Society The psychedelic renaissance | Stephen Bright | TEDxUniMelb LSD as a therapeutic treatment - Alcohol and Drug Foundation A woman took 550 times the usual dose of LSD, with surprisingly positive consequences | CNN LSD - The War on Drugs: History, Policy, and Therapeutics - Research Guides and Class Pages at Dominican University 'Apparently Useless': The Accidental Discovery of LSD - The Atlantic Psychedelics not linked to mental health problems or suicidal behavior: A population study - Pål-Ørjan Johansen, Teri Suzanne Krebs, 2015 LSD He… he made my heart go a thousand miles.
He made me laugh even when it wasn’t funny. Whenever someone mentioned him, I just smiled stupidly. He made me feel happy even when I was going through the worst. As a matter of fact, he was the person that I would just see and it’ll make my day better I was myself around him. A thousand breaths and heartbeats felt like one with him. But I think he didn’t feel the same way… He just kept pushing me away. Did he have to break me in order to build himself? Idk… Why I liked him? Idk either, only my heart could tell. But I was scared and dumb. I was scared that we’ll move on and not be a part of each others’ lives. I was scared, terrified even, of hearing “no” or “there’s someone else.” But most of all, I was dumb Because out of all people I chose someone that would break me… I chose someone who would give me the world but not the universe. I chose someone who gave me petals but not the flower. I chose someone that was mine but I wasn’t theirs. I chose him… I loved you.
I loved you so much that I think love itself started because of us. I loved you so much that every look that you gave me Made my heart drop. That every little thing you said Made me smile… I loved you so much that I hid my love for you. I didn’t want to get hurt by you. I loved you so much that you were a part of me and without you I was going to die… Love started with us, but I guess it ended with us too. I hate being at home. It’s the worst. My parents treat me like shit, my sister thinks she is the favorite and that I don’t exist (favorite child true, me not existing… well, I’m writing, so not true).
You are probably wondering, “Lizzy, why do you hate your family? You are probably the problem.” Well, I’m not the problem, and I hate my family because they obviously hate me. Now, I know that people have been through things, but have you ever had a parent say, “You are a mistake. I can’t believe you are my child… No child of mine would look like you or act like you.” Yea… This might not make any sense, but I don’t have the best life. Now all I am going to say is my life was not always like this. It was just that one night… that one… awful night where everything went wrong… when my mom watched them take my sister out in a body-bag… Then the nightmare of my life began… I am from a place where the weather is warm, yet tropical and humid. Where the sun beams brighter than 50 stars combined. I had to leave my colorful and vivid country to arrive at a dull and different one. Though I didn't understand, but do now; I slowly like a snail get used to the dull colors, the trash on the streets, and the sick people of all kind, smoking and consuming drugs on the streets of this place. But through time I adapt to things, the new place giving me a great education. But taking that opportunity and getting used to this country, slowly makes me forget my roots. Though I didn’t have much memory from my country, the little that I had was slowly fading away.
I start revisiting my country once a year.. But I feel nothing... No happiness, no hope, no nothing, just disgust.. Maybe? I didn’t know my reasons for feeling the way I felt about it were false. Time passed, and I had tried to rip myself out from my roots. But how can a flower live without its roots? It cannot stand, And it cannot survive. How could someone survive without their roots? This place had given me the opportunity of good education, too. Better than the one I used to have though I didn't really think about it. And everything around me was advanced. At last I go again to my colorful country again like every year, but this time I feel something.. I don’t know why, don’t know how but, I feel Like a spark of memory in me. I start to love the minute I arrive.. I start to re live it. I start to love my country a little more than gifts on a Christmas Eve night. I start to appreciate it? I do not hate it as I once used to. And I realized that I had been wrong about my thoughts the whole time. I really was wrong. I come from the Dominican Republic, a colorful and vivid country. A country where art blossoms, culture lives, and everywhere you go you see hardworking and joyful. Education is not the best. Music is all over the place as the people dance and sing. And you can see its charming and natural clean crystal clear beaches, its nature. I do not know much as I left at a young age. Some of the things I may know now, a certain someone taught them to me because I didn't know a thing or two, and had little memory about my own country. If only I had had the chance, then I would’ve stayed for more time. So that I had had memories, So that maybe this poem sounded more beautiful, And represented my country the way it should. So that maybe I would’ve had never had the thoughts I had. But I was young, naïve, And left too soon. I also come from a place where colors are dull. A country that claims to be ‘free.’ I am from America. In the Bronx where People find guns too young. People find drugs too young. Rats all over the place, their sizes so big that they almost look like dark rabbits passing around. Time passes by faster than a hamster running inside its wheel. Everyday feels like the same routine. I come from a country called America. Living in the Bronx. Offering me opportunities, advanced things, technology, Skyscrapers, cities, good universities, and jobs. It’s interesting how I know more about a country that isn't “mine” But know little about my own. I hope to know more, But for now All I can do is wait... For next time that I go back, I know things will be different. America, America
Skies are blue, oceans can speak to you Though you can’t speak to them. The sound of animals dying, people crying, Supplies applying relationships lie in The hands of society. Why? This is red, white, and blue state, Everyone still hates, America. What did America do to you? There goes the rabbit.
The small, naive rabbit. Everyone tried to warn them not to play In the lion’s den, But the rabbit didn’t bother listening to them. When being with the lions, they felt superior Even though all they truly were was a stupid, Simple, little rabbit. A rabbit who couldn’t make their own decisions. They were like a dog following their owner’s command. They were in a loop in which all they could do Was do what they were told. A dumb robot made to follow a code. They were a walking second-place medal. And the people who they saw as lions were truly hyenas. Some dumb hyenas who tried to act like lions, But only sank deeper into a hole with a group built to fail, Due to the raging jealousy and lies that lie within. Still, the rabbit will remain following the “lions…” Because they can’t lead on their own. |
AuthorsThe literary youth of the Bronx Latin School. Archives
April 2021
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